Military Spouse Press - Recent Comments

Actually....

untiltheyallcomehome — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 15:28:33 GMT

I have the chimpanzees (my daughters) with me. I was referring to my dogs. :)

Excellent. Having been out of the service for about 26 years the

DonQuixote — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 14:11:04 GMT

title, "space A" and being a "category 5", through me for a loop for a minute but I caught on quick enough to catch up with you.

Humor. What a wonderful tool to keep the last threads of our sanity when we are on the verge of having it completely slip away. Laugh and joke or cry and mope.

You said, "taking care of our apartment and our furry children".

FURRY?? Have you chimpanzees as offspring or do your daughters have a rare fungus?:)

I have about fifteen different news sources that I get their top stories on my computer front page and I read daily. About five of them are odd/strange/humorous stories.

A bald woman at the airport trying to sell her kids sounds like the kind of event they would pick up as one of their usual top articles.

I will keep an eye out for you in there.

p.s. I like Arby's too

Please keep writing!

untiltheyallcomehome — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:56:14 GMT

We've all felt that hate at some point. Please keep coming back to vent your frustrations. We're here to listen. Keep your head up. It will get better I hope.

re: missing my husband

jenv — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:43:46 GMT

I first off wanted to tell you i am sorry for what you are going threw it isnt easy being married to a military person is probably the hardest thing a marriage can go threw my husband was also in iraq for 15 months last year for the surge and te is suppost to be deployed again at the end of aug. When my husband first came back for R&R the had an anger problem and when he came back it was worse he drank all the time and wanted to be with his friends, he ended up getting into trouble and if it was not for this site he probably would have got chaptered out of the army he has been on medication for almost a year but he didnt get help for about 5 months after being back home it has not helped at all they have changed his medication a number of times hes been to asap, anger management and several other classes they have offered him and i can honnestly say it hasnt made one bit of difference the only thing that helps me is patience and a good support system.My husband has finally come to the realization that he does not think he will be able to be off medication because hes worse without it and by no means does that mean hes NOT A JERK it just helps him cope a little better because without anything at all i never know what i am getting up to in the morning hes a walking time bomb. So just have patience and faith if you love him and are willing to stick it out good luck its not easy but as for me i would not be happier without him i know he loves me and i love him and i know all the help he has tried is for me and my kids, so hang in there i am just have faith

help

dstpandibt — Wed, 20 May 2009 13:09:28 GMT

I want to help. I want to start going around to different groups to speak about ptsd and tbi. I have some contacts but need help getting started. All I know is that I am going to get the word out there. I have already gotten two articles written about our experiences in the Temple paper, but they won't print any more. Let me know how I can help.

response

jenv — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:29:04 GMT

i am glad that some people are geting help my husband has been going to mental health for almost a year they HAVE DONE ABOSLUTELY NOTHING BUT GIVE HIME MEDICATIONS THAT DO NOT WORK so i am glad to hear that someone out there is actually geting they help they deserve

I understand your pain.

untiltheyallcomehome — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 06:40:11 GMT

And I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband spent 15 months in Iraq and has been home over a year and while on the surface some things appear to be the same, I know that some things will never be the same. Read some of the things I wrote under "untiltheyallcomehome" and I think you'll find that you are not alone. I don't think my husband came home with the more obvious, physical signs of "PTSD" and we've come to the road of whether or not to seek counseling ourselves. So far we have not. Your situation is heartbreaking to me and I understand you wanting to reach out and not being sure about how to do it. Try to get in touch with people he works with maybe, just to make sure that he isn't suffering more than what people are seeing. There could be a million reasons that he is shutting you out and one could be that he wouldn't know what to say to you. My husband won't really tell me about what went on over there- he only tells the "funny" stories or the "safe" stories, ones that have nothing to do with the war he fought in.
Keep coming back here. Read what other people have written. Know that you have support and you are not alone.

Congress and the Senate should give 3% of THEIR pay to go through

DonQuixote — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:30:24 GMT

a alcohol prevention program since alcohol causes at least as many health problems even when consumed in moderate quantities and affects every single major organ in the body. That won't happen though since most enjoy having their a scotch or bourbon or whatever while they sit around having dinner at our expense and discuss ways to screw the military personnel.

It sounds good...

inSANEmom — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:12:06 GMT

... but I will reserve judgment until I see actual action taken.

Just Received!!!

jimstaro — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:34:34 GMT

An Open Letter to Veterans

From Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric K. Shinseki
WASHINGTON (March 13, 2009) - Following is an open letter to Veterans
from Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric K. Shinseki:
"My name is Ric Shinseki, and I am a Veteran. For me, serving as
Secretary of Veterans Affairs is a noble calling. It provides me the
opportunity to give back to those who served with and for me during my
38 years in uniform and those on whose shoulders we all stood as we grew
up in the profession of arms.
"The Department of Veterans Affairs has a solemn responsibility to all
of you, today and in the future, as more Veterans join our ranks and
enroll to secure the benefits and services they have earned. I am fully
committed to fulfilling President Obama's vision for transforming our
department so that it will be well-positioned to perform this duty even
better during the 21st Century. We welcome the assistance and advice of
our Veterans Service Organizations, other government departments and
agencies, Congress, and all VA stakeholders as we move forward,
ethically and transparently, so that Veterans and citizens can
understand our efforts.
"Creating that vision for transforming the VA into a 21st Century
organization requires a comprehensive review of our department. We
approach that review understanding that Veterans are central to
everything VA does. We know that results count, that the department
will be measured by what we do, not what we promise, and that our best
days as an organization supporting Veterans are ahead of us. We will
fulfill President Lincoln's charge to care for ". . . him, who shall
have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan . . ." by
redesigning and reengineering ourselves for the future.
"Transforming any institution is supremely challenging; I know this from
my own experience in leading large, proud, complex, and high-performing
organizations through change. But the best organizations must be
prepared to meet the challenging times, evolving technology and, most
importantly, evolving needs of clients. Historically, organizations
that are unwilling or unable to change soon find themselves irrelevant.
You and your needs are not irrelevant.
"Veterans are our clients, and delivering the highest quality care and
services in a timely, consistent and fair manner is a VA responsibility.
I take that responsibility seriously and have charged all of the
department's employees for their best efforts and support every day to
meet our obligations to you. Our path forward is challenging, but the
President and Congress support us. They have asked us to do this
well-for you. Veterans are our sole reason for existence and our number
one priority-bar none. I look forward to working together with all VA
employees to transform our department into an organization that reflects
the change and commitment our country expects and our Veterans deserve.
"Thank you, and God bless our military, our Veterans, and our Nation."
Signed: Eric K. Shinseki

Thank you

dstpandibt — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:26:18 GMT

Thank you, DonQuixote, for recognizing me. All these years I thought I didn't have a purpose to my life. I thought I was a failure for not achieving my goals. I've always been a soldier's wife; always helping my husband. Never being able to do what I want. Life isn't about what we want, it's about helping people. That is the key to a successful life. Now I CAN be proud of myself and know I have accomplished something very big...saving another's life and dignity.

Advocates, Yes

BigFella — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:06:51 GMT

I am now his advocate to everything he does.

You hit the nail right on the head, PTSD and TBI casualties are not able to operate in their own best interests. They need committed advocates on their behalf, be it a spouse, friend, or veteran from another era. And, as you state, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

While our military and government establishments may not yet "get it" in terms of recognizing and adequately providing care for these casualties,all of us, as concerned, caring individuals can help, either by getting the word out about serious issue of PTSD/TBI casualties, or, as in your case, dstpandibt, acting as a loving, committed and persistent advocate.

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL

DonQuixote — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:19:49 GMT

I commend you both for your strength, perseverance, persisting and tremendously hard work.

You described so much of my recovery from TBI which began almost exactly 10 years ago (3/14/09) and continues today.

I could not have made one step in this journey without the help of many.

Early on, my mother, my daughter and friends. After the first year, I moved 200 miles since my mom had moved back to her home and stop living with me after six months. My daughter (and granddaughter) moved in with me for a year. My move also brought me nearer to my sister and brother in law who joined the "team" helping me.

Then, for over 2 years it was 90% my wife's assistance.

Today it is SOLELY my wife's help since we moved 1800 miles away from my family to the southwest for the weather to help with my physical injuries.

I am on disability and get my health care at the V.A. and they have provided mental health assistance.

My wife does all you mentioned that you do. She is not only my wife and friend, she is my nurse, my organizer, my rudder, my rock, my memory and more. If not for her, I would be lost.

It took a lot of work, many years, many "tricks of the trade" and much help from professionals, but for about four years now I have had a balanced, healthy and happy life.

Looking back, the first few years were the hardest. Acceptance of my condition, humility, asking for help, pursuing help and accepting help were the keys and the most emotionally difficult. I had been an independent, self reliant and successful business man who defined himself by his job, accolades and income. Swallowing ones pride and redefining what determines ones self worth are difficult tasks.

You are right. There is help within the military structure.

The key is the "wounded" warrior must recognize, accept, admit, seek help and get help. If they are fortunate enough to have a wife like you they have a much, much better chance at returning to a relatively normal life.

God bless you. There is a poem often falsely attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson but most likely written by a woman named Bessie Stanley in 1905 (http://www.transcendentalists.com/success.htm) entitled SUCCESS.

The last line reads;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

My dear, YOU have succeeded.

A simple twist of fate.

DonQuixote — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:43:14 GMT

I think we all have these reflective thoughts on occasion.

Turns in the road we took and where things COULD have gone had we turned another way.

For many, those COULD haves are lost forever. For some, they are able to still pursue a part of the could have. For a few, they see the could have before it's time has past and are able to catch it before it passes them by.

I have many. I also realize that had I taken even THE SLIGHTEST different turn in the past I wouldn't have my amazing wife, my two wonderful children, my granddaughter and a grandson due in just days and so, so much more that I cherish.

The turn that took you to be the spouse of a military man lost you things but I am sure it has gained you others.

In my mind the unfortunate thing for a milspouse is that so few people realize the turn they made lost them important things to them in sacrifice to our nation. Many see it for the military person but not their spouse.

I have personally learned it here, on milspousepress.

I'm anxious for something in my life to change that allows me to be a supportive wife and mother, but also an accomplished one.

I hope you can do this.

I actually want to weep when I read these things from you milspouses.

DonQuixote — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:48:29 GMT

The horrendous affect of war on our soldiers is a great burden for them to bare but in many ways is even worse on their families. I am sure he is a changed man and not the man you married. That has to be a terrible feeling. Almost like having husbands switched on you and yet you want to stay married and stay loyal and "in sickness and in health". You get glimpses of the man you fell in love with and married and hope he can fully return. He can but it will take a great deal of work and effort on his part to get back to who he was. PTSD is not the only thing that has this kind of effect on a family.

There are other things too and they all take a lot of work on the part of the individual who has the sickness. My alcoholism and drug addiction did it to me (24 years sober now). My TBI did it to me (occurred 1999). Nothing changed until I learned to stop denying, accepted and sought help.

Any issue like PTSD (alcoholism, drugs etc) has to have enough negative consequences for the person for them to break denial and seek help. Unfortunately, in the short term, the only negative consequences in your husbands life may only come from you. He WILL turn it back on you and say you have changed, you are a nag, you are the problem, you don't understand.

I hate to say this, I hated when it was done to me, KEEP NAGGING HIM, KEEP PUSHING THE ISSUE, GET HIS FAMILY INVOLVED, GET FRIENDS WHO KNEW "THE OLD" HUSBAND YOU HAD INVOLVED. You said in your article;

NORMAL people do not do what he does

You didn't say what he does. That is normal. You are embarrassed. You carry his shame. Stop hiding it. Tell his family, tell his friends.

One other thing I hate to say but I must be this bold and blunt - If he EVER gets violent with you or your children (don't know if you have any) - LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE. I even tell my wife today that if I ever start drinking/drugging regularly, leave me immediately.

We all know the military is slow in coming around on this issue. ONLY if he pushes it with the military is there any chance that they will get him more help than just meds. Meds can be one good piece of the solution but it is never the only piece.

Some VA hospitals are better than others. The one here in Tucson is very up to date, vigilante and does screening and more. They truly want to find those with PTSD & TBI and help them. Unfortunately from what I read here that is not the case for most.

Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Get yourself some help. Find a support group if there is one and go talk to others in the same predicament. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF until he starts taking care of himself.

Keep writing here, keep talking. You are more than welcome to email me directly at tkkole1@yahoo.com if you would like. I am no expert by any means but I know a fair amount about PTSD, drinking issues and the marital problems they cause.

God bless you. Tom.